A GIFT

MERRY CRUSTMESS, DUDES AND DUDETTES! STOP PICKING THE LINT OUT OF YOUR BELLY BUTTON AND FIND A COMFORTABLE BEANBAG CHAIR TO SQUEEZE YOUR BUTT INTO. IT'S MR. ROGERS HERE, BROADCASTING TO YOU LIVE FROM FART.FM ON PLANET EERIE, INDIANA. I'M HERE ON THIS FINE XMAS DAY TO TELL YOU ABOUT AN UP AND COMING YOUNG ARTIST WHO HAS BEEN CLAWING HIS WAY THROUGH A ROOM FULL OF FLOAM THESE LAST FEW DAYS, AND HAS FINALLY FOUND A WAY OUT. UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM, EMERGING FROM THE FLOAM OPENED UP A WORM HOLE AND HE IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND, BUT I'M SURE HE'LL BE BACK! ANYWAY, THIS SLIMEBAG GOES BY THE NAME "DJ ECTO COOLER" BUT PREFERS TO BE REFERRED TO BY HIS BIRTH NAME, ZACK MORRIS. HE'S HERE TO HURL NERF FOOTBALLS AT YOU UNTIL YOU CRY. HE'LL HAVE YOU CLENCHING YOUR TEETH IN MINUTES WITH HIS HIGH OCTANE CREEPING AUDIO WARES. BE SURE TO PUT ON A BLINDFOLD BEFORE LISTENING TO GET THE FULL EFFECT. WHEN ASKED TO DESCRIBE HIS MUSIC, MR. MORRIS HAD THIS TO SAY: "IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH EATING A TV DINNER AND WATCHING THE LAST FEW MINUTES OF REPO MAN ON REPEAT, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'VE JUST BEEN SLIMED, BUT YOU WAKE UP AND REALIZE IT'S JUST REALLY THICK MUCUS." I'M HERE TO PUT THIS FAR-OUT LUMP OF COAL INTO YOUR MIND-STOCKING. ROLL UP A SPLIFF AND GET READY FOR A RIDE ON MEGA MOUNTAIN: http://www.mediafire.com/?nluf5iomzohsu49

ALSO, STAY TOONED FOR UPCOMING EPISODES:
ED-209: CALLING ALL CREEPOZOIDS!
REALITY TAKES A HOLIDAY
LATE NIGHT GRINDIN' ON SEWER PIZZA
BONE CHILLERS VHS RIPPERS/SCRAMBLED PORN HEADSPACE

SEND ALL COMMENTS/QUESTIONS/DREAM INTERPRETATION REQUESTS TO: INFINITYPEARL@GMAIL.COM

FLAPPY HOLLADAZE, Y'ALL

"BUG BRAIN" JOHNSON HERE FROM BOOGERFM SATELLITE RADIO WISHING ALL YOU YOUNG PUNKS AND DRUNKS OUT THERE A MESSY CRUSTMAS. ALSO, STAY TOONED FOR THE HOLLYWOODDAYS DEBUT OF THE FIRST EVER DROPPED AND CHEWED ARTIST: "THE WON 'N' ONLY" DJ ECTO COOLER!

WELL, AS PORKY PIG SAID: "No sleeping in trash cans, bud! Now-now move along there!"

BUD STATUS

HANNAH MONTANA'S MILEY CYRUS CAUGHT GREEN-THUMBED WITH BONG

LUCKILY, SHE WASN'T SMOKING ILLEGAL MARIHUANA, BUT A LEGAL HERB CALLED "SALVIA" WITH PSYCHEDELIC PROPERTIES. DAD BILLY RAY TWEETED AFTER THE VIDEO LEAKED: "Sorry guys. I had no idea. Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. Im so sad. There is much beyond my control right now."

BUD STATUS

DIPPIN' DOTS

CHUCK E. CHEESE'S INFERNO

THE SMELL OF OTHER PEOPLE'S URINE ON YOUR UNDERWEAR, THE SLIME-COVERED URINALS IN HELL'S BATHROOM. ZOOM IN, ZONE OUT. TOM SELLECK BRUSHES HIS MOUSTACHE WITH THE HEAD OF HIS AMERICAN LAGER. 7-ELEVEN'S NUCLEAR FALLOUT BROADCAST ON BURNOUT TV, CASTING A SOFT GLOW OVER SELLECK'S OTHERWISE PITCH BLACK LIVING ROOM. HE'S BEEN DRINKING HEAVILY SINCE 7 AM AND NOW HE'S DOWN TO HIS LAST BOTTLE. "TIME TO GO TO THE GAS STATION," HE THINKS TO HIMSELF, HEAD FULL OF ALCOHOL AND DREAMS THAT COULD'VE BEEN. HE ISN'T THINKING CLEARLY, BUT AT LEAST HE HAS TEMPORARILY NUMBED THE PAIN. HE STUMBLES OUT TO HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF INTO THE NIGHT, UNPREPARED FOR WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN NEXT. THE NEAREST GAS STATION IS AN HOUR AWAY AND SELLECK IS GETTING HUNGRY. HE SEES THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF CHUCK E. CHEESE'S. "TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE," HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF, DROOLING ON THE STEERING WHEEL OF HIS 1994 CHEVY CAMARO.  CRAWLING INTO CHUCK E. CHEESE'S ENTRANCE, HE NOTES TO HIMSELF HOW EERILY QUIET IT IS FOR A CHILDREN'S WET DREAMLAND. HE SHRUGS IT OFF AND CONTINUES ON HIS JOURNEY FOR A LATE NIGHT SNACK. HIS BLADDER SORE FROM THE ALCOHOL BUILDUP, HE WANDERS TOWARD THE BATHROOM, IN A DAZE. OPENING THE DOOR HE FINDS THE EMPLOYEES OF CHUCK E. CHEESE'S BOUND AND GAGGED ON THE MOLDY, PISS-SCENTED FLOOR. ABOVE THEM ARE A GROUP OF VOLUPTUOUS NAZI NYMPHOS. SELLECK'S JAW DROPS, THEY SPOT HIM AND POINT GUNS AT HIM. THINKING FAST, HE RUNS TOWARD THEM AND TANGLES THEM ALL UP IN HIS MOUSTACHE. ASKING WHERE THEY CAME FROM, ONE OF THEM SAYS IN A DEEP, BARITONE VOICE... "WE COME FROM HELL. OUR HOTLINE IS ALWAYS OPEN." SELLECK, DUMBFOUNDED, TRIES TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET RID OF THEM. HE NOTICES A URINAL CAKE, GLOWING A CREEPY BLOOD RED COLOR. REALIZING THAT THIS MUST BE THE PORTAL FROM HELL, HE PUTS DOWN HIS LITTLE DEBBIE SNACK CAKE AND DISPENSES THE NAZI NYMPHO CALL GIRLS FROM WHENCE THEY CAME. AS HE TURNS AROUND, HE SEES A SWASTIKA DRAWN ON THE MIRROR WITH LIPSTICK THAT WASN'T THERE WHEN HE WALKED IN. UNDER IT READS "CALL 1-900-666-GIRLS FOR A HOT TIME." SELLECK REACHES IN HIS PANTS AND NOTICES URINE WHICH ISN'T HIS OWN, THEN HEARS A DEMONIC LAUGH...

THE ONLY GOOD COP IS A DEAD COP

 

Mr. Law Protector, me don't respect ya
Ya took too many innocent lives (still no surrender!)
It's all too familiar, license to kill ya
Seems we beat the rep every time (still no pretender!)

Crooked officer... (fuck the police!)
You wanna come get me, but I'ma keep runnin cause prison ain't for me
...You know me no surrender!
I can break you off, fo sho...
You better off dead, cause me in a cell will never prevail
...You know me no pretender!
Me runnin and duckin, evadin the law, since I can remember
Tryna get paid, sellin my llell, from january to december
In a gizzard, through the blizzard, on a porch when, it's scorchin
Only fuck with, familiar, when I'm stackin, my fortune

Mr. Law Protector, me don't respect ya
Ya took to many innocent lives (still no surrender!)
It's all too familiar, license to kill ya
Seems we beat the rep every time (still no pretender!)
So don't trust the police
Down here, get KILLED fuckin with the police
No love, no trust, no respect for us
And we will not surrender to the police
Nah, they do us RAW...
Pull us over, jealous of CARS...
Lyin witness, they'll shoot niggaz up, leavin families SCARRED
Nigga FUCK THE POLICE, they get, BEHIND ME
Then FUCK THE POLICE, I got, WHAT THEY NEED
I'm legal! Don't give 'em that reason just to fuck with you!
They hate when they can't touch you! And never ever give info to em!

Mr. Law Protector, me don't respect ya
Ya took to many innocent lives (still no surrender!)
It's all too familiar, license to kill ya
Seems we beat the rep every time (still no pretender!)
We got some issues with the PO-PO!
They keep on killin us, why aint nobody seein this? I dont know!
Even niggaz are the victim of the street
The BLACK COP! BLACK COP, BLACK COP, BLACK COP!
Just like every other day the po-po kill a man
UNJUSTICE, but trust me, don't nobody give a damn
So whatcha gonna do when they try to do you?
Would you pop-pop-pop-pop, pop, or let them shoot you?